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Love knows no distance and knows no time. It just is. First Things First While my story here is about parents who caused an estrangement, just as often it can be an adult son/daughter at fault. Estrangements are not always caused by parents. But no matter what person you are in the relationship, if you did not cause it, you really can go on. The key is to face the truth and to deal with it and to realize it is normal to have to work through the confusion first. This sort of thing can blindside you. When you are not the type of person to cause such harm, it can be hard to wrap your head around it being done to you. So, take the time you need to work through all that has happened and be kind to yourself. Take care of you. You really can find happiness after being rejected by someone you love. You can go on. My Story About My Parents After spending much of my adult life estranged from both of my parents, in the spring of 2021, I received a letter in the mail, informing me that my dad was dying. Then in the fall of 2022, my mother followed. As I am sure anyone reading this would agree, this is one of the hardest things a person can have happen. What helped me get through it was realizing that no matter what ever happened, I never lost my love for them, as it was and is mine to keep. The Cause While I could write so much that happened between my parents and myself, I am choosing to give few details, because details are just symptoms of the true cause, generational trauma, something that I could write a book on. It's just way too much to cover here. Dealing With Estrangement It was not easy. But I got through it and came to do quite well. The first year was the hardest. As with anything hurtful, it takes time and working through pain. There is no doubt that I could not have healed if I had not had the Lord with me through it. Something that has helped me is keeping in mind that no matter what, he was my dad and she was my mom. Someone who knows the details might wonder why they matter(ed) to me. To such person, I would say for the same reason we matter to God, Love. From what I learned after their deaths, they did not do so well with the estrangement. This shocked me at the time I was told of this because I thought it meant they missed me and wanted me in their lives all those years. But I have since realized that it would have been all about them and their inability to do the right thing. Broadly -- The Hole Let me try to explain this. For some people, when they find themselves in a hole from doing wrong, a self-dug hole, they just keep digging that hole, as if they can dig themselves out of it. It's the oddest thing. Here's an example. Person one does something wrong to person two. Person one does not want to be the one in the wrong. Person one lies and denies what happened and even blames person two. Person one knows that person two knows that person one is lying. But person one thinks if he/she just keeps on denying the truth, that somehow the problem will go away and he/she will not be in the wrong. --Person one did something wrong to person two. Then person one dug a hole, by denying what was done and blaming person two and then just kept on digging that hole. Sadly, it does not just stop at that. And it does not matter if person two speaks up or not. Person one knows the truth and wants a different outcome than being in the wrong. So, whether or not person two speaks up, person one is going to do something more to person two, to try and get person two to do something wrong or at least to appear to have done something wrong. And the hole gets deeper. And when person two does finally speak up and or does something that shows person one that person two has not just let it go, person one digs an even deeper hole, to get even with person two. And the crazy thing is that person one might actually (emotionally) love person two. Living and Dying With Our Choices Not only do we have to live with our choices, we will one day have to die with those choices. I felt for my parents, having to die having never told the truth, having never climbed out of their self-dug holes and for having continued to dig those holes all those years. An example is their wills. They first disinherited me when I was in my twenties when I would not put them as guardians of my children in my will, and they continued with each updated will. In so many ways, they had rejected me, yet they wanted my kids? They had done such bad things to me, and they wanted my kids? No. My children were not for sale. While I knew I did the right thing, I did believe it was going to emotionally hurt being rejected one final time after they died. But then when it happened, it did not hurt quite like I had thought, and I felt sadness for them. It is one thing to be upset and threaten to disinherit an adult child. But a parent should have a very hard time going through with it, even when the adult child is at fault. When I think of my parents doing it just to continue digging holes, I feel sad for them. As for me, I did not cause the estrangement, and I did not need or want their money. A side note: I assume there is good reason for some parents to disinherit an adult child. But I believe that would be very rare. I believe an inheritance belongs to a child at birth. That's when our spiritual inheritance became ours, when we were spiritually born of the Spirit. Also, the father of the Prodigal Son gave his son his inheritance, not only when he knew his son was writing him off, but knowing his son would squander it. Leaving children an inheritance is a duty, just as lovingly raising them is/was. There are parents who miss both these points, as there are adult children who miss the point of honoring their parents when they grow up. I can honestly say that I honored my parents. Because I was rejected so much, there was only so much I could do with that honoring. But I was there when they reached out to me in the end, without hesitation. What I wanted was something that is mine. It was being stored till I would have my own place. But when I moved into my apartment, my mother refused to let me have it. She went from telling me to wait till I get a house, to claiming it was not mine. It was given to me in my mid-teens by my dad's dad a year after my grandma had passed. It had been a gift to my grandma by my grandpa on their wedding day, a mahogany bedroom set. Someone else has it today. But I have the gift, that it was given to me. My mother said something interesting the day my dad died. She was talking to my older and only sibling about money and making sure my sibling would get their money, when she realized I was sitting right there in hearing range. She then quickly said to me, "We knew you have Tim" (my husband.) The implication did not fully hit me till later. Since then, when thinking about how my husband and I have made it in life together, I have actually said out-loud, softly, with a smile, "Yes, mom, I have Tim." For some people, it is easier said than done, fessing up to harming a loved-one. I used to not get this, because I have no problem saying sorry and taking responsibility when I am truly in the wrong. I have never dug a hole. But I have learned that not everyone is like me. I have come to realize it's very hard for some to admit to doing wrong to family, which is the reason some people will go so far trying to not appear to be the one in the wrong. And trust me when I say there is nothing the one NOT in the wrong can do, saying sorry when not in the wrong, only makes things worse because the one in the wrong knows it and saying sorry to that person only makes that person look all the worse, so too does bending over backwards trying to get a long with that person. That's enabling the person to continue. We cannot fix what we did not break. My dad's last words were trying to say "Hi" to me over speaker phone, before I got there to see him in person. When I was there, holding his hand, he mustered up strength to squeeze my hand three times, while looking at me out a little slit opening of his one eye. His opportunity to verbally make things right was no longer. So, I did it for him. My last words to him were, "I love you, and I know you love me, and that's all that matters. I'll see you soon." Then I kissed his forehead. My words, "I'll see you soon," were words of a daughter, hoping her dad really did get saved before he died. But years later, I came to realize that while there was cause for me to believe this, I don't know. I do believe I mattered to my dad, as I believe I mattered to my mom. I just cannot say for sure why I mattered to either of them. They really did take that secret to their graves. Two days before my mother died, my oldest daughter gave birth two months early to my first grandchild. One struggling to die. The other struggling to live. My mother was in a lot of pain in the end, and my granddaughter had to have a life-saving procedure when her heart stopped seconds after being born. My mother never met her youngest great-grandchild, but my granddaughter, my daughter, my mother, and I, were together in mine and my mother's last phone visit. My final words with my mother were on a short phone call, telling her that she had a new great-grandchild and thanking her for praying for my oldest to have a baby. Her final words to me were, "Thank you." She thanked me for thanking her, then she fell asleep. --For that short time on that final call with my mom, things appeared to be as they should have been, great-granddaughter, granddaughter, daughter, and mom (grandma, great-grandma.) --But I just do not know. What I wanted to view as a sign that my mother finally showed a true loving connection, could have just been a highly narcissistic mother believing she got some recognition that she wanted from me. Fact is, there is no way for me to know if she even meant what she said, when she said she would pray for my daughter to have a baby. Narcissists are good at looking good. I had seen my mom after she took ill, but due to a health issue of my own, I was unable to travel to see her again before she died. Love Knows No Distance or Time I believe my parents held emotional love for me, but that their love was hindered. The only love that I could be sure of in this, though, was mine for them. And I can say without a doubt that my love for them was never broken, that they never broke me. I saw this when I chose to leave some trinkets out in my home that had been set aside for me, by my sibling before my mother died. I kept wondering why these trinkets would matter to me, after everything. And one day I realized that they signified my love for them, and that, while I may not know who they were, I know who I am. And I know my love for them remained and that neither time nor distance changed it. Interesting thing about love; it knows no distance; it knows no time. It just is. Debra... |
