Dear Christian,      

Looking up information on family estrangement online turns up numerous articles, most all of them sounding the same. And it is hard to find any that give information on how to live with being estranged from someone you love. So, I will give it a shot, since I have a lot of experience with this myself.

I want to begin with saying that all types of family members can be at fault for an estrangement. Look at it like this, if someone can be at fault as a parent, then that same person could be at fault as an adult-child and vice versa, as well as a spouse, sibling, grandparent or even grandchild. Also, it is wise to keep in mind that not always is the person who initiates or finalizes the estrangement, the one at fault. I say, finalizes, because many estrangements still have some contact. However, that contact only serves to give the person at fault an avenue to continue to harm the other person, directly (to the other person) or indirectly (working to turn others against the other person.)

Both parties get burned, not just the innocent. I don’t believe that people who cause estrangements ride off happily into the sunset, once the estrangement takes place. It is not as if Satan rewards the person with everlasting peace and joy. Actually, Satan, once he gets a person to do wrong, when the time is just right, tosses it up. And the Lord certainly does not reward such. 


The first thing that I suggest for anyone who is at fault for an estrangement, is to get right with the Lord about what happened and then get right with the person who was done wrong. Sadly, such people tend to dig a deeper and deeper hole for themselves that can seem impossible to get out of with any dignity. However, what they need to learn is that it is actually telling the truth that would restore their dignity.


The person at fault is very good at playing the victim. This person does not want to be wrong. And you are a constant reminder that this person is in fact, wrong. This person could spend a lifetime trying to make you look wrong. Basically, he/she will do whatever a true victim might do or at the very least, be tempted to do to the one who truly is at fault. And it will blow your mind, to have the person at fault say and do things to you that a true victim could reasonably say or do. Along with hurting you, this person's words, and actions against you are designed to make you look bad. This person seeks to harm you, while making him/herself look innocent. It's called deflecting. And this type of person is capable of talking really sweet to you, at times. It is all about control. You will at times feel you are unlovable, that someone could do such things to you, when you did nothing to deem such behavior towards you. If you take just one thing away from this article, take this: It is NOT about you! This person's problem is all about him/her. You just happen to be the one in your position in this person's life. This person's problem lies fully with him/her. You are simply the target of his/her aggression. 


But what about the innocent one, the one who was not at fault, even if he or she is who finally walked away? How does that person live with the estrangement?            


I turn to the Lord and I do not hold back what I am thinking. If there is something He wants to change me on, He will, and I will feel it while praying and or I will find something in scripture that applies. I don’t pretend with God to be okay, when I am not okay. Faking it till you make it, can cause you tremendous harm, because inside you know better. And it can eat you up, if it is not dealt with. While you might not always be able to be so open with others about how you are truly feeling, always be honest with yourself and with the Lord. Let the Lord heal you.

Do not ever give up on healing. With the Lord, all things are possible, even healing from the loss of someone you never thought you could live without. I know this personally. In the Lord, you can heal and have sunny days ahead of you. Another thing, if an estranged person who was at fault, wants to live life without you, then let that person go. And I mean really let that person go. Don’t contact the person for any reason, even if you are dying. Truly let the person go. Hold onto any good memories, and never stop loving the person, but let the person go. I cannot stress enough, the importance of letting such a person go and going on with your life. As that is what’s needed in order to truly go on with your life. I have lived this.


The good that happens when there is no contact, is that you stop fighting to save the relationship. In these situations, there is always one who is trying desperately, bending over backwards to save the relationship, while the other one is doing the exact opposite.  Once we stop fighting for the relationship, however, we are able to think about what exactly we were doing and what exactly the other person was doing. Then the day comes when we wake up. When the light over our head goes on. And we realize the power that we allowed that person to have over us and the harm that was done to us. We realize just how cruel that person was to us. We replay in our head the cruel things the person said and did, and we grow strong, and we take that power back.


It might be hard to believe, but the day could come when it concerns you more, thinking about if the person were to contact you again, than the thought of the person never contacting you again. When you finally get to the point in your healing where you realize the fullness of what that person did to you, you might be more concerned with ever going through that again. You will know you are at this point, if and when you no longer have any desire to contact that person. This can be shocking to feel this way towards someone you love so much. But once you've been to hell and back, you might not want to risk ever going there again. 


I use to have nightmares where I thought I had woken up, and in the nightmare, I get up and begin walking in my home, just to find that lights do not turn on. Then I realize that there is danger in my home, something scary. At this point I realize that I am not actually awake, that I am dreaming and I fall back and yell, "It's happening again!" And then I try frantically to wake myself up. I believe these nightmares were due to repeated harmful things happening in my life. I now put an end to harm that I have any say in ending, and the nightmares have stopped.

If you were not at fault, then you cannot fix the problem. This is very important to get through to yourself, that you cannot fix the problem that lies with another person. And you cannot fix another person.

Once you get on the right track, you can better heal and actually move forward with your life and have a happy and healthy life. Notice that I did not only say happy, but also healthy. I know for a fact that when someone is being hateful to us, that our health suffers. This is why scripture calls hate, murder. Your body can only take so much stress. Your body was not meant to be under constant stress. This is also true for the person at fault, yet another reason for the person at fault to make things right. Both people suffer stress. Personally, I do not believe the person who is at fault can heal until that person corrects the wrong and makes things right. But if you are not the one at fault, you absolutely can heal even without a reconciliation. 

This is not to say you will never cry again over your loss. An occasional cry will most-likely still happen. But the constant sadness will end. The stress of it all will end. The anxiety will end. The what-ifs, will end. The waiting for the phone to ring, will end. The hoping against all odds that the person will make things right, will end. Even the anger towards the person, will end. But so too, will the excuses you have no-doubt made for the person, come to an eventual end. You will eventually hold the person fully accountable for what was done to you. And you absolutely can come to forgive the person. But whatever you do, if that person ever does contact you, only respond if that person is clearly extremely sorry for what was done to you. –Or it will all start right back up again, and you will find yourself back in the thick of it. If you are owed an apology, an admittance, and a reason for what happened to you, then hold-out, don’t give in.

Do not allow the person to have control over you. If you want the person back in your life any way you can get the person, even still behaving in a manner that is crushing to you, then that person has control over you. And believe me, I have been there, and it is horrible. You will walk on pins and needles, and your health will suffer. You will even have to listen to that very person continue to wrongly blame you. If that person never has to admit to what happened, then that person will keep attempting to vindicate him/herself with jabs at you, lies that are meant to confuse you and to have control over you. Don't allow it.

You might at times be tempted to seek revenge or to do something that while it surely would set things right for you, would tremendously hurt the other person. Even though you actually have cause, don't do it. Years ago, I wrote the following and have at times had to follow my own advice, "A peaceful heart is worth more than getting even." At the end of the day, you have to live with what you do and someday die with it.


This is something else that I wrote years ago: "I will walk forward and not look back. I won't be pulled back by curiosity or the need to set anything right."


Here's something that estrangement causes, embarrassment. Hey, listen, there will always be people who will judge you wrong and even those who will laugh at your pain and try to use your situation to prove them right about a hate that they have towards you. These types of people simply do not matter. They are going to think evil of you no matter what your life brings. It testifies to who they are, not who you are.


Another thing that can become an issue with an estrangement is a will. If the estrangement is from an adult child and is to no fault of your own, you might be tempted to disinherit him/her. You might even threaten such, hoping it will wake your son or daughter up or simply believing you're a fool to leave him or her an inheritance. Personally, I feel it is your will and you can do what you want. However, I advise against disinheriting. Disinheriting a son or daughter is something abusive parents do. If you haven't been an abusive parent, then why do what that type of parent does? Disinheriting says something about the parents, not the adult child. And it's about the most unloving thing a parent can do to a son or daughter. (Many abused sons/daughters hold on to that last bit of hope that their parents held some love for them, and when disinherited, that last bit of hope can be wiped out or strongly hindered. And being disinherited by abusive parents is proof that the abusive parents knew exactly what they were doing.) If you were not abusive, then you are better than that. Also why do something so unloving, when your love might just be all you have left of your child? Again, at the end of the day, you have to live with what you do and someday die with it.

So, get going with those things you like to do, your hobbies, and getting out of the house to be around people. Embrace those people who are still in your life. Get a dog. I love my dog! Start taking care of yourself, something you probably have not done in years. Eat better and exercise. Get a physical and bloodwork done, so that you know if there has been some harm done to your body and where to start fixing your body. Educate yourself in something you are interested in. Do puzzles. Deep clean your home. Get started on that project you have been putting off for so long. Life goes on. Start living it.

A final note:  If you were good to the person you lost, then that means you have something to offer someone else. What your loved one so carelessly threw away (you) would be a blessing to someone else. Okay, your loved one did not want the good you were to him/her. Don't hide it away. Share it with someone who wants it. Share your love with someone who will appreciate it and could turn out to also be a blessing. Family does not have to be only with people who are related by blood. Get out there and meet people. You might be surprised to find there is someone looking for you, who needs your love and wants to love you.