|
The Invisible Gun Not Suicidal It is very normal to have thoughts of suicide, while not actually being suicidal. And while there is a lot of help out there for people who are suicidal and much compassion, people who are dealing with large amounts of stress, but are not actually suicidal can get over-looked. And goodness help such a person, if the person is not falling apart 24/7 and can actually still function in life in what appears to be a normal manner. That person can be more than over-looked. That person can be treated like an ox or a horse. I remember this woman who in her fifties found out she had had a hole in her heart, her entire life and had to have open heart surgery to get it fixed. I recall her saying how she wished her mother was alive to know that the child she treated like a horse, was the one who could have dropped dead at any time. Some people walk around wounded for the world to see, while others of us might talk a lot about things, but we still keep up a strong outward appearance. And even when we are falling apart, people just cannot see our desperation. They cannot get past that we normally show such strength, even in most of our worst times. So, they think we can take it all. A Gun To My Head No, I have never had a physical gun to my head. I don't even own a gun. They scare me. But there's a gun there, to my head. And that gun is my health. I have health issues that all stem from stress and are made worse with the stress. These are very real health issues that do not present themselves on my face. In the spring of 2003, I almost died from a gangrenous ruptured appendix, because my then doctor thought I "looked too good" for it to be my appendix, which I had said I thought it was. Some of us do not show on the outside, what is happening inside of us. And as a result, we can pretty much be on our own. I cannot say that I have been totally on my own, because I have had doctors recognize what is going on and tell me that I have to take care of myself. But even with those warnings, I am on my own otherwise. So, here I am. My physical issues effect my emotional issues, and my emotional issues effect my physical issues. As much as I know what I should do or not do, my body at times fights against me doing what I should or should not do. As Paul said, "I do what I don't want to do, and I don't do what I want to do." --Often this is the case. When the body is experiencing an acute stressful situation, especially after years of chronic stress, the brain is not going to think as it thinks when things are well. We Are But Dust: Dust that is largely ran by chemicals Stress puts out chemicals into our body that cause physical things to happen to us (diseases) that in-turn, chemically cause us more stress. And so, we are left with viscous circles that we need to deal with all at that same time. And there is only so much time before those diseases win out and we can find ourselves with no way back to good health. So, yes, there's a gun to the head of anyone who finds themself in such a situation. One does not have to be suicidal to have a gun to the head. To be continued... Debra... |
